Struggling with
single parenthood?

Just for Dads

Visitation Blues

JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I have custody of my eleven-year-old daughter. When she comes back from weekend visits at her mother’s house (she lives with her new boyfriend and his two young sons), she reports that Mom and her boyfriend argue constantly. She says the boys tease her about her hair and her poor athletic skills. I feel the visits are traumatic for her. My impulse is to not allow her to visit, but I know she loves her mom and would miss her and that it's her right to see her daughter.    

Is there anything I can do to about this?

DR. LEAH'S REPLY... Weekend visitation is often a difficult transition. High expectations and limited time can create tensions and misunderstandings. Everyone needs time to adjust and get to know one another. 

Monitor your own feelings. Divorce is a painful experience. It is hard to see your former spouse living with someone else. Could you be the one who is traumatized by your daughter’s visits to your former wife’s new home with another man? Could your own feelings be magnifying the inevitable childish complaints about who said what when? If so, consider sharing these feelings with a trusted friend, keeping a journal, or visiting an online support group.

Grown-ups must communicate. Begin by talking with Mom. Get her perspective on what is going on during visitation. Try to listen without being defensive. Ask about the kinds of activities that take place. Does Mom feel your daughter is enjoying being part of the family’s typical weekend activities? Can you gently suggest activities your daughter would enjoy? Can both of you encourage your daughter to try to be more willing to participate or, perhaps, to be less inclined herself to tease and criticize? Ask Mom to schedule exclusive time for your daughter. Being able to count on her undivided attention may go a long way in making the week-ends more pleasant for everyone.

Adults and children must communicate. Your daughter may be overwhelmed by her “instant brothers”, especially if she has no siblings of her own. Mom and her boyfriend may have issues, but constant arguing may be a misinterpretation. When your daughter returns from week-end visitation, schedule “no interruptions time” so you and your daughter can really talk. If you decide that the adult arguments are serious and constant, discuss with Mom how these arguments are making your daughter feel. If the teasing is one sided or your daughter feels bullied or intimidated, this should also be discussed with Mom.

Remember to say thanks. Your daughter loves her mother and, most likely, she is trying her best. Remember to praise her efforts and thank her for the opportunity to work together as parents. Week-end stepparent is a thankless job, particularly for a man with young children of his own. Look for an opportunity to convey your appreciation for all his efforts.