Mr. Right Never Showed Up!
JUST ASK DR. LEAH... I am a hard working professional woman who always assumed that I would meet the man of my dreams and have the children I always saw in my future. I've had several long term relationships, but none of them were husband/father material. This has been a serious disappointment. I just can't seem to find the right guy and am tired of waiting. I feel like I am missing out on motherhood and hear my biological clock ticking loudly. I feel isolated and alone. Do other women like me think about choosing single motherhood?
DR. LEAH REPLIES...
If you are considering have a baby outside of marriage, don't feel isolated. The number of women becoming mothers outside of marriage has increased more than 60 percent in the last fifteen years; the highest rates of single moms by choice were among professional women in their thirties.
Who are the single moms of today? Despite stereotypes about unmarried moms, today's single moms are typically educated women who have decided that having a child is the number one priority in their life. Being part of a loving and nurturing couple might be their preferred choice of family, but these women are realistic about accepting the fact that the "dream family" may not materialize. Prospective single moms who have achieved success and stability in their lives are strong and independent enough not to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising a child.
Single moms have many options. Prospective single moms can chose donor insemination, conception with a known donor, or adoption. Each option poses unique challenges and benefits and certainly no one option is the best for everyone. No matter how the child is conceived or comes to be yours, all single moms do share common feelings and experiences. Preparing for the experience of single motherhood requires taking a hard look at your own feelings and expectations.
Letting go of the fantasy is tough. The traditional American dream of house, dog, and white picket fence is so engrained in our culture that you will experience a normal grieving period over the loss of this dream. Your outlook and the amount of emotional support you receive from others will determine how long and how deeply you grieve for this lost dream. Try to remember that family is simply a place where one feels loved, safe and protected. Family has nothing to do with the presence of a man.
Are you truly ready to be a single mom? Have you considered how you will explain your choice to be a single mom to your son or daughter? You should be able to present your child with a positive view of your family situation. Have you budgeted for all aspects of childbearing and child care? Have you considered who will take care of your child if something happens to you?
Have you resolved your issues about men and relationships? Are you sure you are not angry at men or trying in some way to get even with a particular man? Placing a high value on male and female relationships will give your child a realistic perspective of the world. No matter what the sex of the child, it is important not to have negative feelings toward men.
Talk to a psychologist. Having a child changes your life forever. Discussing your fears, concerns, sorrows, and disappointments with a "people expert" will help you deal with these feelings and make the decision that is right for you.
Do you have a strong support system? Just because you have girlfriends who share their daily woes does not mean that they are "real friends" who will be there for you in the middle of the night to help with a suddenly ill child. Don't mistake professional/work friends for "real friends", and don't overlook friends you normally would shy away from because you professionally have so little in common. You need to create an extended family of "real friends" and be ready to give as well as get emotional support and practical assistance.
